Frustration sucks and I shouldn't have to deal with such bullshit.

What is a friend? Because obviously I don't know what the definition of that is. Most people that call themselves my friend only talk to me when its convenient to them... like wtf. I'm the guy everybody goes to when they've run out of people to call to hangout or they only call me to talk about what I can do for them. It's frustrating knowing that no one respects me as a person. Most people only call me to ask me if I can do their hair, get them some products or recommend stuff for them... I love my career, but its not all I am and its not ALL I want to talk about, like FUCK! I would love for one day to be able to leave my work AT WORK. I have clients that are doctors and nurses, but I dont sit there and ask them about my health problems because it is inappropriate.

I hate that I get so frustrated and my words won't make sense in my head, but I know I have a point, as I try and say them out loud, they dont come out right because I'm always scared to hurt someone... but obviously people dont care about hurting me...

A friend of mine told me that I should blog about my life and have no filter on what I write about, I have decided that it is a good idea.

So, I'm moving to Toronto in a few months from now and with this anticipation of a new life comes great excitement and also some fear. Everyone tells me to be careful not to get caught up in the wrong scene... but I've already been there and done that; I've done the drugs, I've taken the pills, I've drank all there is to drink & then some. I've done it and I'm over it. I'm not moving to Toronto to experience how many different drugs I can snort or shoot into my veins, I'm moving there to experience LIFE! I need the busy streets, the bright lights, the hustle & bustle... I thrive on it, I almost get a hard-on just thinking about it.

I'm not really scared to leave my home town, but I will miss some things about it. I'll miss the gossip about the 'socialites' of the city that really don't mean 2 shits in this world. I'll miss the drunks in front of the Ice burg Pub. I'll miss the smell that over whelms you as you get to the west side of Douglas Avenue or the smell of the yeast that sometimes comes from Moosehead Breweries. I'll miss rockwood park, where many many memories have been made over a lifetime. I'll miss the boulevard at Christmas time. These all sound like terrible things to most people, but if you are from Saint John, you know that these things mean you are home.

Now on a more serious note, it is going to be very hard to be away from my family and friends. My neices are so little and it upsets me that I'll be missing out on so much of their lives, I always said I wouldn't be that uncle that they didn't know, but now I'm scared that they will grow up not knowing me at all. I cry when I think about missing Emily's first day of school, it tears my heart to peices. It upsets me to know that Abby wont get the opportunity to spend as much time with me as Emily did. My sister, ugh, she has always been my go-to girl for everything, and its going to suck not being so close to her. Mom is probably going to be the hardest of all... I'm going to miss the fact that anytime I felt sick, scared, happy, it didn't matter, I could go to Mom's and she would make everything better. I'm gonna miss doing her hair all the time even though I complain that she never listens to my instructions on how to keep up with it... I loved making her feel beautiful. Now I realize I say all these things in past tense as if I had already left, but I'm just saying it to prepare myself... I feel that writing things down in the moment is the best way to get them out before I over analyze them. Also, to those of you reading this wondering why I didn't mention you... don't think it's cause I don't think about you, I do, but I can only write so much.

I'm going to end this post here for tonight, I'm listening to a whole lot of sappy music and I think its starting to show in my writing, so I'll leave you with the lyrics of one of my favorite songs:

"Moon River" by Frank Sinatra

Moon river wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style someday
You dream maker, you heartbreaker
Wherever you're going I'm going your way
Two drifters off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
Were after the same rainbows end
Waiting round the band
My huckleberry friend, moon river
And me