Do you ever just wake up and wanna dance? My roommate and I have discovered the joy of dance partying in our living room when ever we feel stressed out... which for a university student and a high strung hair stylist... is quite often!

So I have noticed that now that spring is in the air, everyone has this crazy sexual energy about them... I swear, it's all I hear anyone talk about these days... the sunshine really does provoke it in us, which is great! What would we be without great sex? Bored & Blue-Balled. Do you just crave that crazy animalistic sex? The kind of sex that just leaves you lifeless for hours afterwards and in complete aw of what you just put your body through? Yup, I think we could all use a lot of that after the winter we just had.

I love that everyone is so excited for me because of the fact that I'm actually taking a big leap and following my dreams... even if its putting me further and further into debt, its worth it! I've decided to try and create more of a name for myself in the industry... I am competing in Maritime Beauty's Annual "Carnival of Beauty" which is always a great time and it will be my second competition in the woman's category, my first was at the ABA this past October when I competed in the New Talent Competition and came in 3rd out of 18 competitors. I am also going to be one of two Hair Stylists working on hair for the broadway musical hit "Hairspray" being performed at the Imperial Theatre this weekend! Evidentally I make hair my life at any cost.. haha.

I've realized lately that Saint John is becoming more and more populated with "Stepford Fags", but its funny because its always the same way... They both try and portray that they are so happy in their relationships, but there is usually always one or both who having a stray eye... and it kind of cracks me up. I know this because I get messages and emails from these guys that are in relationships and they try and ask me to hook-up... Do I look like a huge whore? Wait, don't answer that... haha, but no, really, I'm not interested in being the other man... my god, at this point I don't even want a man in my life as a permanent fixture. I don't need a lead role in my life, guest appearences are fine by me. Why do I need to live my life by heterosexual standards? I'm not trying to fit in with the breeders, I'm fine standing out and being different.

Anyways, that all I have for now, I'll keep you posted if I ever obtain an exciting personal life.

One step closer to achieving my dreams.

My move to Toronto is now only 4 months away, however, it seems I can never get ahold of my future roommate, he is probably the hardest person in the world to get ahold of... I think I could find Osama Bin Laden before I could find Mitchell Pert.

I was in fredericton today completeting my exam at the New Brunswick Cosmetology Association... huuuuuuuge pain in the ass... had to drive all the way there just to do a 40 minute exam and then I leave, pretty ridiculous rule if you as me.

My birthday turned out better than expected. I was able to take the day and pamper myself and then my mom's took me out for lunch and afterwards had the rest of my family over for gifts and cake and all that jazz. Twas a good time. Then a friend of mine was supposed to throw a birthday party for me that night but ended up having to push it to the following night for work reasons... *rolls eyes*... so I ended up going out and drinking with the Infamous Mitchell Pert.

So the night of my party I went over to my friend's house where I got to re-unite with a friend I hadn't seen in awhile and she confessed that she secretly reads my blog and loves the fact that it is a portal into my head... oh good ole' Sara Beveridge. I apparently got flirty with all the girl's boyfriends and the girls weren't all that happy about it... they said it was funny but then giggled with an uncomfortable laugh like they were trying to hide it. If these "straight guys" were letting me flirt with them than it just further proves my 'grey' scale theory... they love to be flirted with... and i'm just a flirty person, its harmless.

Now that I've turned 20, I've kinda realized a few things... I really don't give a fuck what people think... and I've learned that there are fewer and fewer people to trust, thats just life. I've also come to the conclusion that all these little straight girls between the ages of 15-25 are completely delirious, they are in this constant need to have a boyfriend... even if they say they arent, they are always obsessing over some guy... really, its depressing to watch. Me, on the other hand, I have decided to let life go the way it wants to go... If I want to fuck someone, I will... I'm not going to think twice, its just sex (always being safe that is)... If I find a guy I want to be with... nifty... but for now, im more worried about me, no one else.

Anyhow, thats my update for now, I'll post again when I feel the itch... and no I dont mean the itch you get after sleeping with a couple of sailors.

I'm now 3 days away from turning 20 years old and I couldn't feel worse. I'm over the fact that I'm getting older, but I'm not over the fact that with age comes responsibility.

I have always had goals in my life, and I said I would have them accomplished by the time I am 25 years old, and I feel like I have wasted my time so far. Yes, I am proud of my career and the fact that I am really good at what I do, but what change in the world am I making? I always said that in some way that I would make an impression on people and leave something to be remembered by... I don't see it happening anytime soon. I was much more ambitious when I was younger, I mean, I was part of a great organization when I was 15-17 years old, I was the youth project coordinator for Safe Spaces Fundy Region... I was actually making a difference; or at least I thought I was. I was actually speaking up/out for something that I felt so strongly about, I was making my mark on the Gay community and it felt great, but now its 3 years later and I have not done anything to further the fact that there is still homophobia going on in our schools/workplaces. I want to be a part of the solution again, i want to make a difference, I want to speak out and I want to help people! In my high school grad write-up I wrote "Life without ambition, is a bird without wings" - Salvador Dali: Why am I not living by that? Why am I not giving 110% to everything I do anymore? Have I lost my ambition? Have I lost my drive?

I don't want to become another one of the sheep following the herd, I want to be a leader, I ant to be a role model. I'm doing a very bad job at getting there and accomplishing that, yes I am moving to Toronto to start a whole new life, and yes, I'm grateful that i will have my best friend by my side while doing that... but if I continue living the life I am living I won't be successful. My drinking in excess at any chance I get is a huge problem, no I am not an alcoholic, I don't do anything in my power to get my hands on some booze, but when I do drink it gets out of hand and i become a different person, I dont know why I am this way, but I am. I need to kick this addictive personality that I have... My god, everything I do becomes an addiction! Smoking, Over-eating, Coffee... even the stupidest things I become addicted to (I'm not saying that smoking is a stupid addiction because I know its a serious problem and I could die!).

I can run after all the things in life that I want, but until I REALLY respect myself and really understand my self worth, I don't think I'm ever really going to be happy. My god, even the men in my life have been a direct result of my own insecurities... I have always clinged onto them and became this obbsesive boyfriend in turn driving them away... No I'm not saying that I am looking for love or companionship, but it would be nice to really know what love feels like, to really know deep down in my heart that I am loved back. Like I said, I just really need to be completely happy with myself before I can do that and be with the man I love... I'm not saying I hate myself or completely disrespect myself, but I have a long way to go before I am in the state of complete content.

Maybe its just because my birthday is coming up, or maybe I have had too much time to think, but what I'm writing here, now, is how I'm feeling and I need to work on my life and getting my act together.