I'm now 3 days away from turning 20 years old and I couldn't feel worse. I'm over the fact that I'm getting older, but I'm not over the fact that with age comes responsibility.
I have always had goals in my life, and I said I would have them accomplished by the time I am 25 years old, and I feel like I have wasted my time so far. Yes, I am proud of my career and the fact that I am really good at what I do, but what change in the world am I making? I always said that in some way that I would make an impression on people and leave something to be remembered by... I don't see it happening anytime soon. I was much more ambitious when I was younger, I mean, I was part of a great organization when I was 15-17 years old, I was the youth project coordinator for Safe Spaces Fundy Region... I was actually making a difference; or at least I thought I was. I was actually speaking up/out for something that I felt so strongly about, I was making my mark on the Gay community and it felt great, but now its 3 years later and I have not done anything to further the fact that there is still homophobia going on in our schools/workplaces. I want to be a part of the solution again, i want to make a difference, I want to speak out and I want to help people! In my high school grad write-up I wrote "Life without ambition, is a bird without wings" - Salvador Dali: Why am I not living by that? Why am I not giving 110% to everything I do anymore? Have I lost my ambition? Have I lost my drive?
I don't want to become another one of the sheep following the herd, I want to be a leader, I ant to be a role model. I'm doing a very bad job at getting there and accomplishing that, yes I am moving to Toronto to start a whole new life, and yes, I'm grateful that i will have my best friend by my side while doing that... but if I continue living the life I am living I won't be successful. My drinking in excess at any chance I get is a huge problem, no I am not an alcoholic, I don't do anything in my power to get my hands on some booze, but when I do drink it gets out of hand and i become a different person, I dont know why I am this way, but I am. I need to kick this addictive personality that I have... My god, everything I do becomes an addiction! Smoking, Over-eating, Coffee... even the stupidest things I become addicted to (I'm not saying that smoking is a stupid addiction because I know its a serious problem and I could die!).
I can run after all the things in life that I want, but until I REALLY respect myself and really understand my self worth, I don't think I'm ever really going to be happy. My god, even the men in my life have been a direct result of my own insecurities... I have always clinged onto them and became this obbsesive boyfriend in turn driving them away... No I'm not saying that I am looking for love or companionship, but it would be nice to really know what love feels like, to really know deep down in my heart that I am loved back. Like I said, I just really need to be completely happy with myself before I can do that and be with the man I love... I'm not saying I hate myself or completely disrespect myself, but I have a long way to go before I am in the state of complete content.
Maybe its just because my birthday is coming up, or maybe I have had too much time to think, but what I'm writing here, now, is how I'm feeling and I need to work on my life and getting my act together.
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Adam, I am very excited and nervous for you to move to Toronto! Be safe! *big hug*
ReplyDeleteAdam, I think that you have made a difference, you have been a leader. I went to New York City over the March Break for a mission trip and we billeted on the way down with this really amazing couple and we were actually kind of talking about this stuff. I was sharing my frustration about feeling pressured to reach every person that I can possibly reach. Whether that be giving them food, shelter, whatever they might need and always sharing the love of Christ. It seems impossible because I am so limited in my mobility, abilities and etc because of where I am in life right now, being a student and like you, barely 20 years old. We also talked about how it seems like time is going so slow and yet so fast.. how I feel like I'm running out of time and that I've only done so little, according to my eyes. Yet, as we were discussing this, we came to the conclusion that each person can only reach so many people in their lifetime. We each have our own sphere of people and that increases and decreases depending on our circumstances, like where we live and what we're doing. That made a lot of sense and I realize that I would rather be able to reach out to even just one or two persons in my life and actually change their life for the better in an authentic relationship rather than hundreds with a fleeting glance or words.. know what I mean? You're going to make great friends in Toronto, and you're going to still have us here in good old SJ. Remember, even when you don't realize it, you're impacting and changing just by who you are. You'll continue to grow and learn as those birthdays keep coming, but don't get discouraged when it seems like you've done so little because you've done more than maybe you'll ever know!
I miss you very much Adam Donnelly.
Love you!
-Jen