Do you ever just get tired?
I'm so tired of convincing myself and others that I like being the bachelor, that I like my freedom to do as I please. Don't get me wrong, I do think my life is pretty fabulous and im very comfortable with myself... but I have been just me for so long and I haven't actually cared for someone else in a very long time. I have dated and had what I like to call "mock" relationships... but nothing that just makes my knees buckle and my heart stop. I found it once, but it just wasnt right, there was always a big pink elephant in the room that we avoided... and eventually it ruined us. I'm not looking to have someone validate my existence or to justify me as a person, but more so I am looking to fall in love. I want to feel those feelings, to know that someone feels those feelings for me. I see it, all the time, so many different kinds of love.
I have the friend who has been madly in love with a guy for years, it took them breaking up to make her realize that she cannot live without him. The friend who found herself as a person and had a child and in having that child she realized what love could do to her... and then she found a man that sparked that great feeling inside of her all over again; so she married him. And so many others, so many stories... but then there is always, in the backround... just me: Adam, the single, the funny, the gay... friend.
I compare my life to a ferris wheel; There are those couples who are laughing and having a great time, the couple who hold each other for dear life, and then there is me, the guy sitting alone in the bucket seat watching everyone else... there are those moments of fear, moments of excitement and moments that I just want to share with someone else... but at the end of the ride, i still walk away from the ferris wheel alone. Just me.
Maybe I'm thinking too much, Maybe its the 3 beer i've just had or Maybe it's the truth... but this is how I feel right now.
Believe me, love is something that will sneak up and surprise you, but when its right, you'll just know it. I thought I had the perfect relationship until one night all of a sudden he told me "I just don't love you. I never did." It wrecked me. I was sad and depressed for months. Then, 4 months later, I said screw it. I'm just going to live my life for me. I'm not going to whine and wait for someone to notice me, I'mnot going to cry and lament losing a love, I'm not going to seek the person. Instead, i would love me, pamper me, take care of me. And what happened? a few months of not looking and i literally bumped into HIM one night at a party, and realized I met my soul mate. And i never believed in soul mates. Our first conversation led to a second, and from the second convo we have been together ever since. I know you are a confident guy, just keep being the significant other in your own life, and somsone will notce. God forbid they don't, you'll at least have treated yourself well along the way.
ReplyDelete-Laura