Do you ever just get tired?

I'm so tired of convincing myself and others that I like being the bachelor, that I like my freedom to do as I please. Don't get me wrong, I do think my life is pretty fabulous and im very comfortable with myself... but I have been just me for so long and I haven't actually cared for someone else in a very long time. I have dated and had what I like to call "mock" relationships... but nothing that just makes my knees buckle and my heart stop. I found it once, but it just wasnt right, there was always a big pink elephant in the room that we avoided... and eventually it ruined us. I'm not looking to have someone validate my existence or to justify me as a person, but more so I am looking to fall in love. I want to feel those feelings, to know that someone feels those feelings for me. I see it, all the time, so many different kinds of love.

I have the friend who has been madly in love with a guy for years, it took them breaking up to make her realize that she cannot live without him. The friend who found herself as a person and had a child and in having that child she realized what love could do to her... and then she found a man that sparked that great feeling inside of her all over again; so she married him. And so many others, so many stories... but then there is always, in the backround... just me: Adam, the single, the funny, the gay... friend.

I compare my life to a ferris wheel; There are those couples who are laughing and having a great time, the couple who hold each other for dear life, and then there is me, the guy sitting alone in the bucket seat watching everyone else... there are those moments of fear, moments of excitement and moments that I just want to share with someone else... but at the end of the ride, i still walk away from the ferris wheel alone. Just me.

Maybe I'm thinking too much, Maybe its the 3 beer i've just had or Maybe it's the truth... but this is how I feel right now.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love[repeat]

I feel as if I'm wasted
And I waste everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

[happy ending - mika]

Do you ever just wake up and wanna dance? My roommate and I have discovered the joy of dance partying in our living room when ever we feel stressed out... which for a university student and a high strung hair stylist... is quite often!

So I have noticed that now that spring is in the air, everyone has this crazy sexual energy about them... I swear, it's all I hear anyone talk about these days... the sunshine really does provoke it in us, which is great! What would we be without great sex? Bored & Blue-Balled. Do you just crave that crazy animalistic sex? The kind of sex that just leaves you lifeless for hours afterwards and in complete aw of what you just put your body through? Yup, I think we could all use a lot of that after the winter we just had.

I love that everyone is so excited for me because of the fact that I'm actually taking a big leap and following my dreams... even if its putting me further and further into debt, its worth it! I've decided to try and create more of a name for myself in the industry... I am competing in Maritime Beauty's Annual "Carnival of Beauty" which is always a great time and it will be my second competition in the woman's category, my first was at the ABA this past October when I competed in the New Talent Competition and came in 3rd out of 18 competitors. I am also going to be one of two Hair Stylists working on hair for the broadway musical hit "Hairspray" being performed at the Imperial Theatre this weekend! Evidentally I make hair my life at any cost.. haha.

I've realized lately that Saint John is becoming more and more populated with "Stepford Fags", but its funny because its always the same way... They both try and portray that they are so happy in their relationships, but there is usually always one or both who having a stray eye... and it kind of cracks me up. I know this because I get messages and emails from these guys that are in relationships and they try and ask me to hook-up... Do I look like a huge whore? Wait, don't answer that... haha, but no, really, I'm not interested in being the other man... my god, at this point I don't even want a man in my life as a permanent fixture. I don't need a lead role in my life, guest appearences are fine by me. Why do I need to live my life by heterosexual standards? I'm not trying to fit in with the breeders, I'm fine standing out and being different.

Anyways, that all I have for now, I'll keep you posted if I ever obtain an exciting personal life.

One step closer to achieving my dreams.

My move to Toronto is now only 4 months away, however, it seems I can never get ahold of my future roommate, he is probably the hardest person in the world to get ahold of... I think I could find Osama Bin Laden before I could find Mitchell Pert.

I was in fredericton today completeting my exam at the New Brunswick Cosmetology Association... huuuuuuuge pain in the ass... had to drive all the way there just to do a 40 minute exam and then I leave, pretty ridiculous rule if you as me.

My birthday turned out better than expected. I was able to take the day and pamper myself and then my mom's took me out for lunch and afterwards had the rest of my family over for gifts and cake and all that jazz. Twas a good time. Then a friend of mine was supposed to throw a birthday party for me that night but ended up having to push it to the following night for work reasons... *rolls eyes*... so I ended up going out and drinking with the Infamous Mitchell Pert.

So the night of my party I went over to my friend's house where I got to re-unite with a friend I hadn't seen in awhile and she confessed that she secretly reads my blog and loves the fact that it is a portal into my head... oh good ole' Sara Beveridge. I apparently got flirty with all the girl's boyfriends and the girls weren't all that happy about it... they said it was funny but then giggled with an uncomfortable laugh like they were trying to hide it. If these "straight guys" were letting me flirt with them than it just further proves my 'grey' scale theory... they love to be flirted with... and i'm just a flirty person, its harmless.

Now that I've turned 20, I've kinda realized a few things... I really don't give a fuck what people think... and I've learned that there are fewer and fewer people to trust, thats just life. I've also come to the conclusion that all these little straight girls between the ages of 15-25 are completely delirious, they are in this constant need to have a boyfriend... even if they say they arent, they are always obsessing over some guy... really, its depressing to watch. Me, on the other hand, I have decided to let life go the way it wants to go... If I want to fuck someone, I will... I'm not going to think twice, its just sex (always being safe that is)... If I find a guy I want to be with... nifty... but for now, im more worried about me, no one else.

Anyhow, thats my update for now, I'll post again when I feel the itch... and no I dont mean the itch you get after sleeping with a couple of sailors.

I'm now 3 days away from turning 20 years old and I couldn't feel worse. I'm over the fact that I'm getting older, but I'm not over the fact that with age comes responsibility.

I have always had goals in my life, and I said I would have them accomplished by the time I am 25 years old, and I feel like I have wasted my time so far. Yes, I am proud of my career and the fact that I am really good at what I do, but what change in the world am I making? I always said that in some way that I would make an impression on people and leave something to be remembered by... I don't see it happening anytime soon. I was much more ambitious when I was younger, I mean, I was part of a great organization when I was 15-17 years old, I was the youth project coordinator for Safe Spaces Fundy Region... I was actually making a difference; or at least I thought I was. I was actually speaking up/out for something that I felt so strongly about, I was making my mark on the Gay community and it felt great, but now its 3 years later and I have not done anything to further the fact that there is still homophobia going on in our schools/workplaces. I want to be a part of the solution again, i want to make a difference, I want to speak out and I want to help people! In my high school grad write-up I wrote "Life without ambition, is a bird without wings" - Salvador Dali: Why am I not living by that? Why am I not giving 110% to everything I do anymore? Have I lost my ambition? Have I lost my drive?

I don't want to become another one of the sheep following the herd, I want to be a leader, I ant to be a role model. I'm doing a very bad job at getting there and accomplishing that, yes I am moving to Toronto to start a whole new life, and yes, I'm grateful that i will have my best friend by my side while doing that... but if I continue living the life I am living I won't be successful. My drinking in excess at any chance I get is a huge problem, no I am not an alcoholic, I don't do anything in my power to get my hands on some booze, but when I do drink it gets out of hand and i become a different person, I dont know why I am this way, but I am. I need to kick this addictive personality that I have... My god, everything I do becomes an addiction! Smoking, Over-eating, Coffee... even the stupidest things I become addicted to (I'm not saying that smoking is a stupid addiction because I know its a serious problem and I could die!).

I can run after all the things in life that I want, but until I REALLY respect myself and really understand my self worth, I don't think I'm ever really going to be happy. My god, even the men in my life have been a direct result of my own insecurities... I have always clinged onto them and became this obbsesive boyfriend in turn driving them away... No I'm not saying that I am looking for love or companionship, but it would be nice to really know what love feels like, to really know deep down in my heart that I am loved back. Like I said, I just really need to be completely happy with myself before I can do that and be with the man I love... I'm not saying I hate myself or completely disrespect myself, but I have a long way to go before I am in the state of complete content.

Maybe its just because my birthday is coming up, or maybe I have had too much time to think, but what I'm writing here, now, is how I'm feeling and I need to work on my life and getting my act together.

Frustration sucks and I shouldn't have to deal with such bullshit.

What is a friend? Because obviously I don't know what the definition of that is. Most people that call themselves my friend only talk to me when its convenient to them... like wtf. I'm the guy everybody goes to when they've run out of people to call to hangout or they only call me to talk about what I can do for them. It's frustrating knowing that no one respects me as a person. Most people only call me to ask me if I can do their hair, get them some products or recommend stuff for them... I love my career, but its not all I am and its not ALL I want to talk about, like FUCK! I would love for one day to be able to leave my work AT WORK. I have clients that are doctors and nurses, but I dont sit there and ask them about my health problems because it is inappropriate.

I hate that I get so frustrated and my words won't make sense in my head, but I know I have a point, as I try and say them out loud, they dont come out right because I'm always scared to hurt someone... but obviously people dont care about hurting me...

A friend of mine told me that I should blog about my life and have no filter on what I write about, I have decided that it is a good idea.

So, I'm moving to Toronto in a few months from now and with this anticipation of a new life comes great excitement and also some fear. Everyone tells me to be careful not to get caught up in the wrong scene... but I've already been there and done that; I've done the drugs, I've taken the pills, I've drank all there is to drink & then some. I've done it and I'm over it. I'm not moving to Toronto to experience how many different drugs I can snort or shoot into my veins, I'm moving there to experience LIFE! I need the busy streets, the bright lights, the hustle & bustle... I thrive on it, I almost get a hard-on just thinking about it.

I'm not really scared to leave my home town, but I will miss some things about it. I'll miss the gossip about the 'socialites' of the city that really don't mean 2 shits in this world. I'll miss the drunks in front of the Ice burg Pub. I'll miss the smell that over whelms you as you get to the west side of Douglas Avenue or the smell of the yeast that sometimes comes from Moosehead Breweries. I'll miss rockwood park, where many many memories have been made over a lifetime. I'll miss the boulevard at Christmas time. These all sound like terrible things to most people, but if you are from Saint John, you know that these things mean you are home.

Now on a more serious note, it is going to be very hard to be away from my family and friends. My neices are so little and it upsets me that I'll be missing out on so much of their lives, I always said I wouldn't be that uncle that they didn't know, but now I'm scared that they will grow up not knowing me at all. I cry when I think about missing Emily's first day of school, it tears my heart to peices. It upsets me to know that Abby wont get the opportunity to spend as much time with me as Emily did. My sister, ugh, she has always been my go-to girl for everything, and its going to suck not being so close to her. Mom is probably going to be the hardest of all... I'm going to miss the fact that anytime I felt sick, scared, happy, it didn't matter, I could go to Mom's and she would make everything better. I'm gonna miss doing her hair all the time even though I complain that she never listens to my instructions on how to keep up with it... I loved making her feel beautiful. Now I realize I say all these things in past tense as if I had already left, but I'm just saying it to prepare myself... I feel that writing things down in the moment is the best way to get them out before I over analyze them. Also, to those of you reading this wondering why I didn't mention you... don't think it's cause I don't think about you, I do, but I can only write so much.

I'm going to end this post here for tonight, I'm listening to a whole lot of sappy music and I think its starting to show in my writing, so I'll leave you with the lyrics of one of my favorite songs:

"Moon River" by Frank Sinatra

Moon river wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style someday
You dream maker, you heartbreaker
Wherever you're going I'm going your way
Two drifters off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
Were after the same rainbows end
Waiting round the band
My huckleberry friend, moon river
And me